Comfort in Loss

I'm fine. I really am fine, tho' you might have wondered
after me not posting on this blog for awhile.

My last 3 posts were about my dad's passing in November, and steps in processing that.
Steps of grieving, confidence, confusion, and repentance of my pride.

Now, I will share some of grief's process again.

After about a month of just being in a daze.... I mean a real daze....
as in not even knowing what was real, and what was a dream....
of sitting and looking at a tree, and wondering if I went out and touched
it would it be real. Of driving down the road and wondering if I was really there in the car,
or was it just a dream?
of trying to think but everything was all muddled inside my brain. All mixed up.
Not being able to think clearly to make even the simplest decision....

Yes a month of that.

 I shared those thoughts with others.
Some thought I was crazy, but too kind to say it.
the look on their face made it quite clear they had no clue what I was talking about.
That was....OK.

But when I told others I found comfort.....They had experienced the same thing.
Oh so comforting to know I was OK. To know this was part of the process.
To know I was not crazy. To be able to comfort each other.

Comfort: that seems to be the key word right now.
Had I not shared how I was doing, what I was feeling,
I would not have found that comfort........
and I would not have been able to comfort others either.

And I know that part of why we go thru things is so that we can help others.
To let them know they are not alone. To let them know how ever they are feeling is OK.
To walk thru the process, and grow because of it.

Thank you Lord, that you are the Great Comforter, and that your use your children to show your love.

blessings all,
more soon
barbara jean

Another Step in the Process

I've been posting lately on the passing of my Dad on Nov. 28th.
The previous 3 posts are about that, and what I am learning through it all.
This is about my last few days journey.

It was not as easy as I thought.
 I was so excited, (and maybe even proud of myself)  for the first week about how great I was doing.
Yes, I cried, but I experienced great joy also. Of course part of that joy was knowing my Dad was with the Lord, and singing those old gospel songs he loved so much. The ones he and my Mom used to sing at care centers for "the old people' (and he was one of them). =)

But it was also a joy deep inside me, the joy of knowing the Lord had brought me to a wonderful place with Him in the past few months. The wonder of actually being able to "count it all joy when we encounter various trials (suffering)...." as it says in James. My joy was so full I went around singing.
I thought I had this thing beat!! I was going to be a shining light for Jesus! He was going to use me mightily to help others.....

Well then it hit. I cried all day, except for when I slept. (worn out).
Then I spent hours on computer or watching TV as an escape from the feelings.
I was not only feeling the sad, but I was feeling so disappointed in myself.
What happened to being a light? How could I help others if I could not stop crying??

I did not count it all joy, I could not sing. I was hurting. . I had my quiet time with the Lord, but somehow we were just not connecting. I read the Bible, but the words just seamed empty, and I cried more. I knew He was with me, but I needed to feel Him. Instead I felt very alone.

Seeking Help and Receiving Blessings
I am blessed to have a Life Group who has walked with me through many things.
They are my life line when I feel things are more than I can get through on my own. I emailed for prayer.
And then there is Facebook, where I probably bare my soul a bit too often. But once again I bared it.

The great things is, that when you reach out, God honors that. It is humbling to have to ask for help, and God loves a humble heart.  He blessed me not only with notes of prayer, but also so many words of encouragement and wisdom. People who have been through it, and so understand what I am going through.
(I'll share those on another post).
But for today.....

Remember:

Do not take pride in where you think God has brought you.(I had to repent of this)
God is with you even when you feel alone.
It's OK to feel Joy, and laughter, and tears. It is all part of the process.

Be humble; ask for help when you need it. God has a whole family of friends He has prepared to help you.

Blessings to you all, and praise to His name.

Barb

Change, Challenges

The two posts previous to this are thoughts just before,
and right after my Dad's passing on Nov. 28th.
These are some things I am learning, observing as a result.


We are not alone.
Ever stand in a crowd or a room full of people,
and feel like no one knows or understands the pain you are in??
Or maybe they know you have had a sad event in your life,
but do not know how to deal with it, so they ignore you?
Or that is how it seems anyway.

That happened Sunday at church, at fellowship time between services.
I received a few hugs, and "I'm sorrys"  which I know those
who said them truly meant. But as I stood by myself,
looking around the room, I wondered how many other people
were in deep sorrow over something, and no one knew. Or maybe
they had said something, but we are all so in our own world,
we did not really pay attention.

We have choices when things like that happen. (the feeling alone)
In the past, I might have closed myself off, protected myself,
gone into my little shell, where it is safe and I cannot get hurt
more than I already am. I would have felt even more alone.
Felt sorry for myself.

But this time as I looked around the room, I realized
there were probably others who were hurting,
over one thing or another, just as much as I was.
Others who felt alone.

I decided right then, that my sorrow would not be
more important than others needs, and I looked around me
to see who may need a kind word, a hug, or a prayer.
And there were some, of course.
And you know what happened?
When I reached out to them my pain became less.

Thank you Lord, for showing me that.
Please help me to see others needs before my own,
and please show me when I don't.

Blessings to all.
barbara jean

PS I will be sharing other insights as time allows.
Thank you for all your prayers and support.

Changes Continue

Last week when I wrote we were putting my Dad in a care facility.
I wrote about life's changes, and the choices we have to make as they change.

Here is an update:  (THIS IS ABOUT ALZHEIMER'S & MY DAD'S PASSING, SO MAY BE SENSITIVE FOR SOME). 

Monday my Dad went home to be with the Lord, and
he is now seeing this sunset from the other side of things.

   Alzheimer's had slowly taken his memory of  things, then of us,
and he was in a whole other world all his own.
Then his speech slowly declined, and he had some time ago
forgotten the words to the gospel songs he and my Mom
used to sing at care centers like the very one he was in.
He finally could not walk, or even know how to eat his food.
He became frail, and tired.

 I was with him for a couple of hours before my Mom came.
He was in that deep sleep he had been in before, but I
believe he heard all my words as 
  I told him how much I loved him. I sang to him,
(not nearly as on key as he could sing, but I know he liked it anyway) =).
I prayed over him, and told him he could go home whenever he was ready.

My Mom was there the last hour or so, and she prayed for him, loved him, and let him go.

Dad's breathing slowed....... till just one last breath, and he was gone.
He was with Jesus, and Dad and the angels were all singing together!!!

He was at peace, in the arms of His loving savior.

Mom and I comforted each other, as tears flowed.
We prayed,  and then left only the shell of a man in the room.
A shell that had housed a man who loved the Lord, and his family.

My Dad will live always in our hearts, till we see him again,
and we all sing praises together to the Lord who loves us so.

Lord, I pray for comfort and peace, not only for our friends and family,
but for the many who have lost loved ones. May they know your
comfort, support  and love.

Blessings in His name

barbara jean

Things Change

Things Change....

This is a season of change for me.
Aging parents.....
Just putting my Dad in a care center.......the day before Thanksgiving.
The realization that he will not always be around, and with Alzheimer's has been leaving us for awhile already.
My heart is sad of late, and tears flow without warning.

Daughter and family moving out to the country....
Not a big change. They are still close......but my drop in visits do not occur often any more,
and I miss them.

A son who has moved to another country. Who is not here with family for Thanksgiving.
A granddaughter who is missing the dad who moved away and is feeling sad about change, too.

Changes, life is so full of changes.

In the midst of it all, realizing God never changes, He is forever the same, loving His children with a love we will never quite be able to grasp or fully comprehend.
And He uses the changes in our lives to change us, to draw us nearer to Him, to show a love and and peace that only He can give.

So yes, life changes. What will be my response??
Will I draw nearer to the God who loves me with an everlasting love???  Will I let that love touch my heart? Will I let Him change me? Will I be an example of His peace to those around me? Will I show the same grace to others as He has shown to me?? Will I use what I have learned to help others?

Lord, thank you for change. Thank you for using it help me grow.
I draw near to you, in this season of change.

Sweet blessings my friends, and His Love and peace in the midst of life's changes.

Barbara Jean

More Vacation Pics

 Huge hollowed out Redwood tree.

 It was really not very comfortable, but a great photo op.

 more of my gatherings

 This old guy watched over the entrance 

to the cabins where we stayed.

A very cool, old carved piece of driftwood. 

I think there is a dog laying at his feet, kind of behind him on left side.

 I know this looks sideways, but it is not. 

And it is not a  plastic mushroom as it might look.

 On one of our walks, this real mushroom was placed on this branch.

Someone had ofund it in the woods, I'm guessing,

and palced it three. Maybe to come back later and get it.

We have never seen anything like it.

Anyone know about it???

 This is an old water tower in one of the towns

I walked around while Scott played golf.

 And here are some really cool trees.

Scott said they are Cypress.

 He was showing me how these branches just grow up out of the ground,

or curve around and grow into the ground.

and we found lots of moss laden logs and trees.

I gathered lots for the sale in November at the store.

All for now. I think 1 more day of pics for you.

You will love what I will show you next time!!!!

blessings

barbara jean

Vacation Pics

 

We just got home from a wonderful weeks vacation in sunny California.

The area is called Point Arena and it is about 140 miles north of San Francisco.

I was going to tell you the above picture was our cabin,

but I knew you would not believe me....

 

So, here is the outside of our real little cabin.

And here is the row of the other 43 just like it!

 Our little kitchen.

 bedroom

 and living room. A total of 350 sq. feet.

Just right for two people who after 42 years have learned

to share quite well. =)

 

Here we are at breakfast.

 Miss frugal ( meaning me) tore the paper towels in quarters to use as napkins.

This is my sweet fella 'complaining' sweetly about it. 

"C'mon. Can't a guy even have a whole napkin around here?"

Sorry, hon, when you are frugal you are frugal, 

whether the paper goods were bought by us or someone else.

(I did relent, and gave him whole paper towels the rest of the time.

After all, my fella deserves the best!) =)

 Here are a few pics of the beautiful coastline.

In most of the area there were cliffs rather than beaches.

So relaxing to hear the waves hit the rocks.

We usually went for several walks a day.

 We did find a couple of areas where little beaches were accessible.

Tomorrow I'll show some pics of the gorgeous trees we saw, and

treasures we found..

Thanks for coming by.

blessings

barbara jean