Friday, December 9, 2011

Another Step in the Process

I've been posting lately on the passing of my Dad on Nov. 28th.
The previous 3 posts are about that, and what I am learning through it all.
This is about my last few days journey.

It was not as easy as I thought.
 I was so excited, (and maybe even proud of myself)  for the first week about how great I was doing.
Yes, I cried, but I experienced great joy also. Of course part of that joy was knowing my Dad was with the Lord, and singing those old gospel songs he loved so much. The ones he and my Mom used to sing at care centers for "the old people' (and he was one of them). =)

But it was also a joy deep inside me, the joy of knowing the Lord had brought me to a wonderful place with Him in the past few months. The wonder of actually being able to "count it all joy when we encounter various trials (suffering)...." as it says in James. My joy was so full I went around singing.
I thought I had this thing beat!! I was going to be a shining light for Jesus! He was going to use me mightily to help others.....

Well then it hit. I cried all day, except for when I slept. (worn out).
Then I spent hours on computer or watching TV as an escape from the feelings.
I was not only feeling the sad, but I was feeling so disappointed in myself.
What happened to being a light? How could I help others if I could not stop crying??

I did not count it all joy, I could not sing. I was hurting. . I had my quiet time with the Lord, but somehow we were just not connecting. I read the Bible, but the words just seamed empty, and I cried more. I knew He was with me, but I needed to feel Him. Instead I felt very alone.

Seeking Help and Receiving Blessings
I am blessed to have a Life Group who has walked with me through many things.
They are my life line when I feel things are more than I can get through on my own. I emailed for prayer.
And then there is Facebook, where I probably bare my soul a bit too often. But once again I bared it.

The great things is, that when you reach out, God honors that. It is humbling to have to ask for help, and God loves a humble heart.  He blessed me not only with notes of prayer, but also so many words of encouragement and wisdom. People who have been through it, and so understand what I am going through.
(I'll share those on another post).
But for today.....


Do not take pride in where you think God has brought you.(I had to repent of this)
God is with you even when you feel alone.
It's OK to feel Joy, and laughter, and tears. It is all part of the process.

Be humble; ask for help when you need it. God has a whole family of friends He has prepared to help you.

Blessings to you all, and praise to His name.


Monday, December 5, 2011

Change, Challenges

The two posts previous to this are thoughts just before,
and right after my Dad's passing on Nov. 28th.
These are some things I am learning, observing as a result.

We are not alone.
Ever stand in a crowd or a room full of people,
and feel like no one knows or understands the pain you are in??
Or maybe they know you have had a sad event in your life,
but do not know how to deal with it, so they ignore you?
Or that is how it seems anyway.

That happened Sunday at church, at fellowship time between services.
I received a few hugs, and "I'm sorrys"  which I know those
who said them truly meant. But as I stood by myself,
looking around the room, I wondered how many other people
were in deep sorrow over something, and no one knew. Or maybe
they had said something, but we are all so in our own world,
we did not really pay attention.

We have choices when things like that happen. (the feeling alone)
In the past, I might have closed myself off, protected myself,
gone into my little shell, where it is safe and I cannot get hurt
more than I already am. I would have felt even more alone.
Felt sorry for myself.

But this time as I looked around the room, I realized
there were probably others who were hurting,
over one thing or another, just as much as I was.
Others who felt alone.

I decided right then, that my sorrow would not be
more important than others needs, and I looked around me
to see who may need a kind word, a hug, or a prayer.
And there were some, of course.
And you know what happened?
When I reached out to them my pain became less.

Thank you Lord, for showing me that.
Please help me to see others needs before my own,
and please show me when I don't.

Blessings to all.
barbara jean

PS I will be sharing other insights as time allows.
Thank you for all your prayers and support.