Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm Doing OK Now

I haven't written anything here for awhile.

As a matter of fact, I've sort of been in limbo I guess.
You know, going through the motions of life,
but everything seems like it is a fog.

A cloud of sad holding you down,
making it hard to focus on what you are doing.

Sometimes life just hands you things
that take awhile to filter through,
before you can talk about them.

But I am feeling better.

My walk with the Lord was never an issue.
I knew He was near, but I could not, or did not, know how
to grab hold of Him for the comfort I needed,
or the compassion I usually have for others.
I could not feel anything but sad.

If you just looked at me on the outside,
I probably appeared fine,
except for looking tired some times.

But inside, part of me had disappeared,
left for awhile,
trying to figure life out.
Trying to understand what I was to do with the sad
that engulfed me.

Tears were rare then.
I just felt numb.

But at some point recently there was a turn.

I don't know when, or how.
I do not remember praying anything different than I had.

But suddenly I felt joy returning to me.
I felt the presence of Him who was always there.
I began to let myself be comforted.
Cry, on the shoulders of friends.

I was able to smile again, from the inside.
My heart for others returned,
and once again I felt the closeness and love of my Savior.

I began to delight in what I had,
instead of dwell on what I was losing.

I saw how unimportant some things are,
in light of slowly losing someone I love.

Slowly losing my Dad to dementia.

We moved my folks here from Arizona a couple of months ago,
so my brother, sis-in-law, and I could help care for him.
Mom was very tired from carrying the load by herself.

We have seen him slowly decline,
and yet some days he is entirely with us,
and we are so grateful for those days.

I find I think of my Dad, day and night.
And since those few days ago, when things somehow turned in my heart
from sad, to peace and gratefulness,
it has become most important to me to spend time with them.
To make my Dad smile, and give my Mom moral
support and encouragement.
We play games, and visit, and share memories.

These are the important things, the things that will last.

So, this Christmas, in the midst of all the gift buying, baking, decorating,
parities, and hurry and scurry everywhere,
think about those things that are really important.

Stop what you are doing.
Take a deep breath.
Think about those you love.
They will not always be with you.

Time with them is the best gift you can give,
to them, and to yourself.

To those of you who have been praying, thank you.

Blessings to you, and those you love, this special time of year.

Barbara Jean


Lynne (lynnesgiftsfromtheheart) said...

Oh Barb, I'm sorry you're going through this with your Dad. It is the hardest disease to live with. Mr. P and I will be married 31 years on the 29th of this month, and the past few months have just been incredibly hard. Watching him slowly disappear. We take the good days when they come and rejoice in them.. an hour at a time is all I can handle... many many prayers sent your way...hugs ~lynne~

Eva Agnes said...

Oh what a sad story. Happy that you are feeling better.
Thanks for your visit at my place.
Hugs Eva Agnes

HirondelleRustique said...

Oh Barb,

My heart goes out to you and I'll be praying for you and your family. It's wonderful that you are able to be with them.

Chatty Crone said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is a nasty disease.

The Rustic Victorian said...

If I had a magic wand I would give it to you...but we know the only real magic is God's love. My husbands mother died last week, and even though it was expected, it was not easy...still isn't. Even though I didn't personally know her I am affected, as my husbands heart is on the ground. Each day is a gift I hold dear and appreciate what I "do" have. I am sorry for your days of sadness, and gratefull that God has your hand held tight.

Kirsty said...

I feel for you. My mom died three and a half years ago from dementia. She was only 57. It is so hard. But, I'm glad your spirits are brighter.

I wrote a post about my mom. Feel free to read it. It's titled "Signs".

Thoughts and prayers.


Sharon said...

hi Barb. To get your header, just click on it at her site, Then right click on it and save as, on your computer. Then you can put it where you want it. Does that make sence? If I can help further just let me know. I just love that background site.
I hope you are feeling better soon. Blessings, Sharon

Sharon said...

Oh by the way if you want to change your nav bar at the top from blue to transparent just click on it when you go to your layout page then click on transparent. Also you might want to chang your background color from burgandy to white as it will blend in more with you theme. Just a thought.

Sharon said...

Good for you on the navbar it looks good. Yes lets email.
Mine is;
I sorry I ment the brite pink. When I come to your site that is all I see till your site downloads. So white or a light pink would not be not so shocking and also You can read things while it is downloading. Just a suggestion. Yes that is all you get is a plain header. But in your "fonts and colors" you can get your name up there in "title" and change the font size also. I wish they had a script for us to use. I don't have photoshop so I can't change that.
Hope that helps.

ocmist said...

What you wrote was exactly what happened to me when going through the last stages of my Mom's cancer and then her passing, and THEN losing 4 of my special ed students all in the same year. It took, and takes, time when life crashes in on you even if you are holding on to the Lord with all your might. At least He IS the lighthouse that leads us through the storm with His light, and sometimes, He DOES carry us as in the poem about Footprints.

I am praying for you, dear child of God. Linda