Roller Coaster of Life

 

I'm beginning to understand that life really is a roller coaster, and that it is OK for it to be that way.

I have tried for years to get to a place of a "high evenness" or 'consistency', or level of joy, for lack of a better way to put it.....
Trying to avoid the low times, and just coast along on a cloud of loveliness.
Finding that level of highness, especially being bi-polar, and staying there, has been an often frustrating, and seemingly impossible task.

I certainly did think that as a Christian, who knows and loves the Lord, that the  high level should and could be reached.
And not just reached, but able to stay there. Always that mountain top feeling. Always that peace....that joy....

But what I am discovering now..... is that reaching that level and staying there is quite difficult, and....maybe even impossible, in this frail human body, with these human emotions, and on this temporary home called earth, where we live with other frail and imperfect humans.

Having said all that, I will share what I have learned, especially of late.

I have learned that I have boxed up a lifetime of emotion that I thought was not right to feel.
I have learned I am not the only one who has had all these emotions.
I have learned it is impossible to float along on a wonderful cloud of joyfulness.

I have learned that God cares about each and every feeling we have, good, bad. happy, sad.
They are all OK.
It is what we do with them that counts.

Knowing that God loves me, no matter how I am feeling, has been a great blessing to me.
I have found, that the more I let myself feel the sad of hurts....the more I let my self cry before the Lord, and pour out my heart to Him, the more He sets me free to feel His joy.... I am able to see His beauty all around me,  and know His peace....and share His love with others.

I may have days of struggles, hurts, tears, pain, but  I can pour my heart out to Him. I know my God, who hears every word, who cares about every part of me, will turn my mourning into dancing. He will use what has caused me pain to help me grow. And more than anything, I want to grow. I want to hear His words someday: "Well done good and faithful servant."

blessings

barb

Back to sharing...

I don't seem to get around to posting on here much any more.
Life has become busier......
and honestly, FB is such a quick way to jot a thought
down without feeling like you have to have a lot to say.

But I think it is time I started sharing my heart on here again.
Updating you with the direction life, and the Lord is taking me.

I know this blog hardly gets any traffic any more, but
I do know, that if I am sharing, and encouraging others,
God will be faithful to bring those who need to see it.

This is short.....but I'll be back.

blessings to all
barb

He is Risen

He is Risen indeed.

Thank you Lord.

Easter Blessings my friends.

barbara jean

A Grateful Heart

 Today I am thankful.
I do not feel that way every day...but today I do.
I find, as I know my Lord more and more,
and spend more time with Him,
my heart has grown, into a more thankful heart.

So, today I am thankful for a husband who buys me
raisin bran and bananas for my breakfast.

 I'm thankful for my little brother,
who made this 10x10 patio for me years ago.
It is flagstone...not bought at the local quarry,
but gathered from way out in the woods.
He had to climb up and down banks,
and carry it one slab at a time.
It took a few trips out to the woods as
it is so heavy, and his truck was little.
A true labor of love.

 I am grateful for this back yard,
that although it is full of weeds,
it is our back yard, and it is what I see each
morning when I sit with the Lord for a time.
He has given me an old maple tree to look at, and a squirrel
and birds each day. Thank you Lord.

 I'm grateful for this messy pile in the back yard.
It shows I have a husband who is healthy enough to
cut off dead tree limbs, big limbs, and cut them up for fire wood.
To heat the house God has provided for us.

and I'm grateful for our old car.
Lost hubcaps, missing trim, dirt and all.
It has over 200,000 miles on it, and still plugging along.
I use it to haul grandkids, and loot for my store.
This car has made many trips, and been part of many memories.

So,today Lord, I am thankful......
for you,family, for provision, for a hope and a future.
For knowing you love me, no matter what.

Thanks for coming by friends.

blessings to you all.
barbara jean

Comfort in Loss

I'm fine. I really am fine, tho' you might have wondered
after me not posting on this blog for awhile.

My last 3 posts were about my dad's passing in November, and steps in processing that.
Steps of grieving, confidence, confusion, and repentance of my pride.

Now, I will share some of grief's process again.

After about a month of just being in a daze.... I mean a real daze....
as in not even knowing what was real, and what was a dream....
of sitting and looking at a tree, and wondering if I went out and touched
it would it be real. Of driving down the road and wondering if I was really there in the car,
or was it just a dream?
of trying to think but everything was all muddled inside my brain. All mixed up.
Not being able to think clearly to make even the simplest decision....

Yes a month of that.

 I shared those thoughts with others.
Some thought I was crazy, but too kind to say it.
the look on their face made it quite clear they had no clue what I was talking about.
That was....OK.

But when I told others I found comfort.....They had experienced the same thing.
Oh so comforting to know I was OK. To know this was part of the process.
To know I was not crazy. To be able to comfort each other.

Comfort: that seems to be the key word right now.
Had I not shared how I was doing, what I was feeling,
I would not have found that comfort........
and I would not have been able to comfort others either.

And I know that part of why we go thru things is so that we can help others.
To let them know they are not alone. To let them know how ever they are feeling is OK.
To walk thru the process, and grow because of it.

Thank you Lord, that you are the Great Comforter, and that your use your children to show your love.

blessings all,
more soon
barbara jean

Another Step in the Process

I've been posting lately on the passing of my Dad on Nov. 28th.
The previous 3 posts are about that, and what I am learning through it all.
This is about my last few days journey.

It was not as easy as I thought.
 I was so excited, (and maybe even proud of myself)  for the first week about how great I was doing.
Yes, I cried, but I experienced great joy also. Of course part of that joy was knowing my Dad was with the Lord, and singing those old gospel songs he loved so much. The ones he and my Mom used to sing at care centers for "the old people' (and he was one of them). =)

But it was also a joy deep inside me, the joy of knowing the Lord had brought me to a wonderful place with Him in the past few months. The wonder of actually being able to "count it all joy when we encounter various trials (suffering)...." as it says in James. My joy was so full I went around singing.
I thought I had this thing beat!! I was going to be a shining light for Jesus! He was going to use me mightily to help others.....

Well then it hit. I cried all day, except for when I slept. (worn out).
Then I spent hours on computer or watching TV as an escape from the feelings.
I was not only feeling the sad, but I was feeling so disappointed in myself.
What happened to being a light? How could I help others if I could not stop crying??

I did not count it all joy, I could not sing. I was hurting. . I had my quiet time with the Lord, but somehow we were just not connecting. I read the Bible, but the words just seamed empty, and I cried more. I knew He was with me, but I needed to feel Him. Instead I felt very alone.

Seeking Help and Receiving Blessings
I am blessed to have a Life Group who has walked with me through many things.
They are my life line when I feel things are more than I can get through on my own. I emailed for prayer.
And then there is Facebook, where I probably bare my soul a bit too often. But once again I bared it.

The great things is, that when you reach out, God honors that. It is humbling to have to ask for help, and God loves a humble heart.  He blessed me not only with notes of prayer, but also so many words of encouragement and wisdom. People who have been through it, and so understand what I am going through.
(I'll share those on another post).
But for today.....

Remember:

Do not take pride in where you think God has brought you.(I had to repent of this)
God is with you even when you feel alone.
It's OK to feel Joy, and laughter, and tears. It is all part of the process.

Be humble; ask for help when you need it. God has a whole family of friends He has prepared to help you.

Blessings to you all, and praise to His name.

Barb

Change, Challenges

The two posts previous to this are thoughts just before,
and right after my Dad's passing on Nov. 28th.
These are some things I am learning, observing as a result.


We are not alone.
Ever stand in a crowd or a room full of people,
and feel like no one knows or understands the pain you are in??
Or maybe they know you have had a sad event in your life,
but do not know how to deal with it, so they ignore you?
Or that is how it seems anyway.

That happened Sunday at church, at fellowship time between services.
I received a few hugs, and "I'm sorrys"  which I know those
who said them truly meant. But as I stood by myself,
looking around the room, I wondered how many other people
were in deep sorrow over something, and no one knew. Or maybe
they had said something, but we are all so in our own world,
we did not really pay attention.

We have choices when things like that happen. (the feeling alone)
In the past, I might have closed myself off, protected myself,
gone into my little shell, where it is safe and I cannot get hurt
more than I already am. I would have felt even more alone.
Felt sorry for myself.

But this time as I looked around the room, I realized
there were probably others who were hurting,
over one thing or another, just as much as I was.
Others who felt alone.

I decided right then, that my sorrow would not be
more important than others needs, and I looked around me
to see who may need a kind word, a hug, or a prayer.
And there were some, of course.
And you know what happened?
When I reached out to them my pain became less.

Thank you Lord, for showing me that.
Please help me to see others needs before my own,
and please show me when I don't.

Blessings to all.
barbara jean

PS I will be sharing other insights as time allows.
Thank you for all your prayers and support.