I'm beginning to understand that life really is a roller coaster, and that it is OK for it to be that way.
I have tried for years to get to a place of a "high evenness" or 'consistency', or level of joy, for lack of a better way to put it.....
Trying to avoid the low times, and just coast along on a cloud of loveliness.
Finding that level of highness, especially being bi-polar, and staying there, has been an often frustrating, and seemingly impossible task.
I certainly did think that as a Christian, who knows and loves the Lord, that the high level should and could be reached.
And not just reached, but able to stay there. Always that mountain top feeling. Always that peace....that joy....
But what I am discovering now..... is that reaching that level and staying there is quite difficult, and....maybe even impossible, in this frail human body, with these human emotions, and on this temporary home called earth, where we live with other frail and imperfect humans.
Having said all that, I will share what I have learned, especially of late.
I have learned that I have boxed up a lifetime of emotion that I thought was not right to feel.
I have learned I am not the only one who has had all these emotions.
I have learned it is impossible to float along on a wonderful cloud of joyfulness.
I have learned that God cares about each and every feeling we have, good, bad. happy, sad.
They are all OK.
It is what we do with them that counts.
Knowing that God loves me, no matter how I am feeling, has been a great blessing to me.
I have found, that the more I let myself feel the sad of hurts....the more I let my self cry before the Lord, and pour out my heart to Him, the more He sets me free to feel His joy.... I am able to see His beauty all around me, and know His peace....and share His love with others.
I may have days of struggles, hurts, tears, pain, but I can pour my heart out to Him. I know my God, who hears every word, who cares about every part of me, will turn my mourning into dancing. He will use what has caused me pain to help me grow. And more than anything, I want to grow. I want to hear His words someday: "Well done good and faithful servant."
blessings
barb
