Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Taking Inventory

Maybe some of you may have noticed, that I have not been posting much on this blog.
I have not been sharing my morning walks with God lately.

How do I explain that?
What can I say that will communicate with you why I have not been on here,
sharing what God has been speaking to my heart.
How can I explain that I have time for my other blogs, but not this one?

I have a list of excuses.

I'm taking inventory, my first ever counted inventory at the store.
We are changing to a computer system at the store.
I'ts tax time. Always extra bookwork then.

I've been spending a great deal of time visiting with my parents.
I want to see my Dad as much as I can while he still knows who I am.
And I want to be there to encourage and support my
Mom through this journey of Alzheimers.

I was sick, and depressed, over the holidays.
Obviously I cannot walk when I have the flu.
My morning walks with God are usually a wonderful time
of insights and drawing near to Him.

So, now I am walking again.
What is my excuse?

Is it that my mind is on inventory, and on my Dad?

Maybe it is because if I let God close enough to speak to my heart right now,
close enough to let Him touch me, I will fall apart.
All the pressures and pain will come gushing out and I will dissolve
in the puddle of tears I try so hard to keep down.

Maybe keeping busy is better than feeling everything I would feel right now.
The pain of watching my Dad go downhill.
The pain of friends who are also going through tough things.
The fear of having it myself.

We went to our first of 10 classes at the Alzheimer care center today.
It is hard to see where some of the patients are at.
To know that my Dad will be the same way.

I can be busy with other things, and have somewhat of a break at times.
Blogland and the store are wonderful for that.
But having family, someone you love so much, and seeing them slowly drift way,
makes you realize how unimportant other things are.
Like a store, and how much inventory there is,
or how to make another cute display, or get a few more wonderful
treasures made, or getting taxes done.

So, besides taking inventory at the store,
I am trying to take inventory of myself,
over come the fears that I am already starting down the road my Dad is on,
and figure out just how to stay close and hear My Savior.

I have not figured that out yet.

Lord, teach me how to rest in you.

Thank you for hearing my heart today.


barbara jean


Lynne (lynnesgiftsfromtheheart) said...

Hi Barb, I understand this walk you're on, and the unsettling that seems to fill our hearts. Alzheimsers is just the nastiest disease... Each day finds a change in Mr. P.. living with someone you love and care about slowly disappear before your eyes is a very hard thing. Oh, I come across pretty brave, but if only you could feel my body tremble with fear. My one and only suggestion is to enjoy each and every moment you have with them and remember always the way they were and the good times, look at them and remember those times and the harder times seem to come a "little" easier... Shed those tears when you feel the need, don't hold back like I do... I have to be strong for him and show him I'm strong or it seems to upset him even more.. hug your daddy today darling, tell him you love him ... many thoughts prayers and hugs are sent your way...

Chatty Crone said...

I am so sorry Barb, I can't even imagine. Love and (((hugs))). Sandie

The Rustic Victorian said...

Hi Barb,
I have had experience with Alzheimers, I am sorry anyone has to have it...I watched 2 people float away....glad it didn't hurt phisically,,,like, like cancer or a broken limb...but it still sucks. Please don't let it depress you so deeply, the world still needs you. I will pray.

cindy-stitches-n-stuff.blogspot.com said...

Dear Barbara, I can't sleep so I got up and came to my computer. I found your comment regarding my new tea set. As I opened the box I carfully held it over the garbage can to let the white popcorn balls fall out. It was wrapped so nicely. I looked through the garbage sack 4 times. Ya know, it had to be in there, I should have looked one more time, but I didn't. I'll just keep my eyes open for a little cup that can go with it. I'm not worried, I'll find something.

I remember that you were sick at Christmas time. I'm so sorry! And I'm sorry to hear about your father. Truely, I am.

About the journey - "God didn't say it would be easy - he just said it would be worth it". I've come to appreciate the trials and tribulations of life. As I look back, I see that God carried me during my most dificult times. Knowing and remembering that comforts my heart each day. I feel his presence with me. Barb, God is with you on this journey. He would never leave you and your Dad.

I have yet to go through this with my parents. But I have, given birth, cared for, and barried a daughter. I think about what's going to happen to my parents, most times, it scares me - what's coming. My prayers will be with you. Can I just say, "Act as IF you understand, and you will".

Our Father in Heaven knows you Barb and he hears your prayers, even if you don't put it on the blog.

Don't worry about the tea set, I love it! My granddaughters haven't seen it yet.

Big Hugs

Holly Knott said...

Dear Barbara,
Thanks for posting on my blog about my being included in the Lark Books "500 Art Quilts" - I'm guessing you saw the post on my mom's blog (Diane Knott). Just visited your blog and LOVE the pic here of the trees and ferns! Cannot imagine what you're going through with dealing with the Alzheimers. Big hugs to you and your family.

Carol............. said...

What a beautiful post.

"Lord teach me how to rest in you"
is something I work on.

I tend to want to "fix" things that aren't right, are broken, or need tending. I often have to remind myself to matter, I'm not really in total charge.

Anonymous said...

It is useful to try everything in practise anyway and I like that here it's always possible to find something new. :)