I haven't written anything here for awhile.
As a matter of fact, I've sort of been in limbo I guess.
You know, going through the motions of life,
but everything seems like it is a fog.
A cloud of sad holding you down,
making it hard to focus on what you are doing.
Sometimes life just hands you things
that take awhile to filter through,
before you can talk about them.
But I am feeling better.
My walk with the Lord was never an issue.
I knew He was near, but I could not, or did not, know how
to grab hold of Him for the comfort I needed,
or the compassion I usually have for others.
I could not feel anything but sad.
If you just looked at me on the outside,
I probably appeared fine,
except for looking tired some times.
But inside, part of me had disappeared,
left for awhile,
trying to figure life out.
Trying to understand what I was to do with the sad
that engulfed me.
Tears were rare then.
I just felt numb.
But at some point recently there was a turn.
I don't know when, or how.
I do not remember praying anything different than I had.
But suddenly I felt joy returning to me.
I felt the presence of Him who was always there.
I began to let myself be comforted.
Cry, on the shoulders of friends.
I was able to smile again, from the inside.
My heart for others returned,
and once again I felt the closeness and love of my Savior.
I began to delight in what I had,
instead of dwell on what I was losing.
I saw how unimportant some things are,
in light of slowly losing someone I love.
Slowly losing my Dad to dementia.
We moved my folks here from Arizona a couple of months ago,
so my brother, sis-in-law, and I could help care for him.
Mom was very tired from carrying the load by herself.
We have seen him slowly decline,
and yet some days he is entirely with us,
and we are so grateful for those days.
I find I think of my Dad, day and night.
And since those few days ago, when things somehow turned in my heart
from sad, to peace and gratefulness,
it has become most important to me to spend time with them.
To make my Dad smile, and give my Mom moral
support and encouragement.
We play games, and visit, and share memories.
These are the important things, the things that will last.
So, this Christmas, in the midst of all the gift buying, baking, decorating,
parities, and hurry and scurry everywhere,
think about those things that are really important.
Stop what you are doing.
Take a deep breath.
Think about those you love.
They will not always be with you.
Time with them is the best gift you can give,
to them, and to yourself.
To those of you who have been praying, thank you.
Blessings to you, and those you love, this special time of year.
Barbara Jean
