Friday, December 9, 2011

Another Step in the Process

I've been posting lately on the passing of my Dad on Nov. 28th.
The previous 3 posts are about that, and what I am learning through it all.
This is about my last few days journey.

It was not as easy as I thought.
 I was so excited, (and maybe even proud of myself)  for the first week about how great I was doing.
Yes, I cried, but I experienced great joy also. Of course part of that joy was knowing my Dad was with the Lord, and singing those old gospel songs he loved so much. The ones he and my Mom used to sing at care centers for "the old people' (and he was one of them). =)

But it was also a joy deep inside me, the joy of knowing the Lord had brought me to a wonderful place with Him in the past few months. The wonder of actually being able to "count it all joy when we encounter various trials (suffering)...." as it says in James. My joy was so full I went around singing.
I thought I had this thing beat!! I was going to be a shining light for Jesus! He was going to use me mightily to help others.....

Well then it hit. I cried all day, except for when I slept. (worn out).
Then I spent hours on computer or watching TV as an escape from the feelings.
I was not only feeling the sad, but I was feeling so disappointed in myself.
What happened to being a light? How could I help others if I could not stop crying??

I did not count it all joy, I could not sing. I was hurting. . I had my quiet time with the Lord, but somehow we were just not connecting. I read the Bible, but the words just seamed empty, and I cried more. I knew He was with me, but I needed to feel Him. Instead I felt very alone.

Seeking Help and Receiving Blessings
I am blessed to have a Life Group who has walked with me through many things.
They are my life line when I feel things are more than I can get through on my own. I emailed for prayer.
And then there is Facebook, where I probably bare my soul a bit too often. But once again I bared it.

The great things is, that when you reach out, God honors that. It is humbling to have to ask for help, and God loves a humble heart.  He blessed me not only with notes of prayer, but also so many words of encouragement and wisdom. People who have been through it, and so understand what I am going through.
(I'll share those on another post).
But for today.....

Remember:

Do not take pride in where you think God has brought you.(I had to repent of this)
God is with you even when you feel alone.
It's OK to feel Joy, and laughter, and tears. It is all part of the process.

Be humble; ask for help when you need it. God has a whole family of friends He has prepared to help you.

Blessings to you all, and praise to His name.

Barb







8 comments:

lynn said...

so very sorry for your loss, barb. thinking of you and your family during this season:)

Lea said...

Barb, I'll be lifting you in my prayers in the days to come. I want you to know that your love for God and your great faith DOES SO SHINE.
GOd bless you dear friend and comfort you during the missing times. You're loved. Lea

The Rustic Victorian said...

Oh Barb, I am sorry for your heart ache, I still miss my Dad, Mom is in a nursing home now, it is hard, I will continue to pray for you.
Love
Marcie

Lea said...

Thinking of you....
Big hugs...

Audrey said...

Hi Barb ... so sorry for your loss. God will see you through.
Audrey Z. Timeless Treasures.

Rebecca said...

Oh my gosh-I am just at the beginning at what you're feeling and you couldn't have put it better. After just losing my grams yesterday, I understand a little of your pain(although I'm sure yours is much deeper)but the joy of them meeting Jesus. I am also on a journey in the last few months to know and serve God better. I know he is preparing me for things and I am scared, but trying to trust and look at things in a good way. I'm so scared of the broken feeling-thanks for sharing. I will pray for you and for your healing with the passing of your father. God Bless!

Rebecca said...

Oh my gosh-I am just at the beginning at what you're feeling and you couldn't have put it better. After just losing my grams yesterday, I understand a little of your pain(although I'm sure yours is much deeper)but the joy of them meeting Jesus. I am also on a journey in the last few months to know and serve God better. I know he is preparing me for things and I am scared, but trying to trust and look at things in a good way. I'm so scared of the broken feeling-thanks for sharing. I will pray for you and for your healing with the passing of your father. God Bless!

Rebecca said...

Oh my gosh-I am just at the beginning at what you're feeling and you couldn't have put it better. After just losing my grams yesterday, I understand a little of your pain(although I'm sure yours is much deeper)but the joy of them meeting Jesus. I am also on a journey in the last few months to know and serve God better. I know he is preparing me for things and I am scared, but trying to trust and look at things in a good way. I'm so scared of the broken feeling-thanks for sharing. I will pray for you and for your healing with the passing of your father. God Bless!